2013. 6. 7.

에세이 샘플 1 (미국공립, GPA 4.3/5.0, ACT 34, Carlton $54,000 장학금)

에세이가 당락에 결정은 안 하지만, 학생의 수준에 맞는 에세이가 나와야 불이익을 조금이라도 덜을 수가 있다. 아래 예는 Carlton College에 전액장학금을 받고 입학한 학생의 에세이다. 자기 동생에게서 교훈을 얻어 본인이 어떻게 변화했는지에 대한 내용이다. (추후 번역본을 만들면 다시 게재할 것임.)

Whoo…whoo…whoo.” I looked up just as I finished watering our lawn and noticed that the confident exhaling was coming from Mark, my younger brother. He was on the pull-up bar in the garage cranking repetitions like it was his job. Impressed, I thought to myself, Wow. I’d never seen someone do pull ups with such ease, and coming from Mark, this was especially humbling. I thought back to when we were little kids, when climbing the staircase was a challenge for him. 

When it came to sports or anything physical, Mark could have been in the thesaurus for frail or spindly. He was rarely a force or even simply mediocre in any of the camps or teams he participated in. Even with all the musical instruments he tried, Mark didn’t follow through with any of them. Consequently, I often felt he lacked the determination and toughness to excel in any endeavor that required more than a naturally gifted brain.  

Mark’s remarkable transformation, however, began in 2009, just after he turned fourteen.  Our uncle, a fitness buff, introduced him to a workout regimen on a special exercise machine requiring ten repetitions of pull-ups, dips, and leg lifts. At the time, Mark struggled to do even two pull-ups, but he took on our uncle’s challenge. During his workout, Mark chalked a tally mark on the garage wall next to him to keep track of his sets. He set a monthly goal to increase his set number by four and proceeded to do just that without missing a day. Eventually Mark peaked at 32 sets of each exercise, an unbelievable feat for anyone.

Although I was superior to Mark in all things athletic, I possessed a weakness that was as much a defining aspect of me as physical inferiority was for Mark. Public speaking has always been a challenge and a great source of anxiety for me. Ever since I can remember, I hated getting up to give speeches or act in a play. In group projects, I scrambled to be the one who did the most research or organized the team overall so I wouldn’t have to speak as much. I scheduled my English class so that it would be my first class of the day. That way I’d get my speeches over with as soon as possible. As much as I tried to avoid it, though, public speaking remained a part of my education that would not go away.

Last year, my English class concluded its unit on transcendentalism with a major writing project to be presented to the class in the form of a speech.  Although I was fascinated by Emerson and Thoreau and aced the written portion of the project, the speech requirement was another Marker. Halfway through my speech, I blanked out and just stood there frozen in front of the class.  I tried desperately to recall what I’d planned to say but nothing came. I finally took the unimaginable, humiliating step of asking the teacher if I could finish the speech the next day.  All this happened despite my intensive preparation, practicing in front of the mirror and before my family in the days leading up to the speech. At that moment, an escape to a life on Walden Pond by myself, in solitude, would have been the best gift imaginable. I managed to wrap up my speech, but I was very disappointed by my performance.
            
That night after soccer practice, I remember getting out of the car in the garage to put my equipment away. I walked to the container near Mark’s dip machine, dropped my soccer ball off, and then suddenly fixed my gaze on the wall in front of me. Although I’d seen these tally marks for almost a year now, I stared in amazement at the sheer number of marks on the wall and it hit me. All of sudden, I understood. I saw how remarkably Mark had transformed and the reason for it was staring me in the face. Each tally mark corresponded to a set of exercises completed, which corresponded to being one tally mark stronger and more powerful than before.

The before and after change in Mark was astonishing, but I knew the transformation did not occur immediately. Only after nearly a year did the workouts begin to pay off for him and become obvious to me. I realized, then, that I needed to learn from Mark, that I needed tally marks on the wall for my own “frail” area. Every speech or presentation would be like one of Mark’s workouts. I would struggle at first, but with each speech or presentation, I would be one tally mark closer to becoming less fearful, less nervous. Seeing my brother change over time inspired me to seek a similar remarkable change in me. Through the remainder of that semester, I gave many speeches; some okay, but many still quite disappointing.

This year in my AP Biology class, I have already given five presentations and have prepared for them with greater purposefulness.  Small changes like speaking more deliberately or taking deeper breaths has allowed me to taste some success for the first time. Most recently, I gave a presentation about a Kansas State University Professor, Mark Haub, and his famous “Twinkie diet.” The moment I finished, I knew something was radically different. I had spoken clearly and confidently, with a level of authority I’d never shown in previous speeches. In fact, I received extra credit for the way I handled my classmates’ questions and my teacher was intrigued enough by my presentation to ask a few questions of his own. I was thrilled because I no longer felt paralyzed. I thought of the tally marks that now covered my “wall” of progress and knew that I had Mark to thank for each one of them.

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