신이란 무엇인가에 대한 고민과 깨달음에 관한 에세이. 필자가 Eat, Pray, Love ("먹고 기도하고 사랑하라")의 저자 엘리자베스 길버트의 Ted 연설을 보고 영감을 얻어 도와준 에세이.
“Do you believe in God?”
Among the many questions I had to answer after coming to America, this was something that I had nowhere to look for an answer. My life in the US was a new beginning to me. I fought harshly with my parents to quit school in Korea and come to the US. I also struggled much in my freshman year trying to adjust to my new environment at ABC Christian School. In my sophomore year, I had to break the norm among Korean students of having to hang out with only Koreans. But each time I was faced with a wall I had to break through, I managed to do so. When it was face to face with God, however, I didn’t know how to play this game. Everything was questionable.
I can’t see him nor can I feel him. I didn’t even like getting up early to go to church and spending almost half of my precious Sunday there. The songs and prayers were all Greek to me as my English wasn’t perfect and even if it had been, I don’t think I would have liked them. When I was little, I was in fact a religious kid, rather a philosophical one. Not in the sense that I believed in a particular religion but I did think about human and God much throughout my childhood. I remember crying to myself asking “God” why I, my parents, and my friends all had to die. I prayed so hard about it but to no avail.
At my current high school, I naturally became acquainted with Christianity, which was an unfamiliar concept to me. None of my family members were Christians and the only thing I knew about Christianity was that Christians believed in Jesus and many of them seemed to be nice people. I basically went to church because that was one of the house rules set by my host parents. I did not want to cause any trouble, so I complied.
As time went by, I got more interested in the Bible and Jesus. If my freshman year was to absorb the fundamental knowledge about the Bible, then my sophomore year was to prepare myself to become a follower of Jesus. I spent lots of time with my host family and my friends asking questions that popped up in my mind as much as I questioned myself about Jesus. Neither my host parents nor my American friends interpreted the Bible literally and they all had their own faith and guidelines, which were not uniform. This made me puzzled for a long time. “If God is real, why is the Bible vague in some degree and why do people rely on their own perceptions and interpretations?” “Why would God not reveal himself now to clear many people’s disbelief?” Quite a few people actually call themselves Christians, but they do not necessarily conform to what the Bible says, whereas there are non-Christians who are nice and loving, even seemingly acting out what the Bible says: love your enemy, do not covet, etc. And even among the faithful Christians, they all have a view of their own. Why is that? Come to think of it, why am I having all these kinds of questions even after I believe in the Bible? Isn’t the Bible the answer to my questions in life? But it wasn’t in there. Then where, I wondered.
Despite all these never-ending questions that naturally arose as I was growing out of my teenage years, I became more positive in life and open-minded. I actively engaged in enjoyable discussions with my host family, Bible teacher, and both Christians and non-Christians. Of course, they didn’t have the right answers to my questions but that was okay. After many discussions and contemplation, however, I realized that God is worth thinking about and worth loving. Moreover, I realized that the relationship is one to one; it’s just between me and God. No other can come between us as I shall not go in between God and others. For now, this much I know.
When I look back over the past three years at ABC, I used to pray a lot out of insecurity. Well, I still do. But at least I don’t pray for a fortune anymore. I think I have matured enough to know that he is not there to do things [for] me. Like I said, it’s between me and him, and I have to do my part of the deal. And [that] is unquestionable.
댓글 없음:
댓글 쓰기